writing · it · down · for · you

yesterday i'm coming up the stairs on the side of my apartment and there's this opening roof thing where you can walk on if you really need to, it's a space between our apartment and the other one connected to us.. anyway... i'm walking up...
and i see this cat on it... staring at me and meows at me and at first i'm think "wow a cat.." wow a cat yes but it was MY CAT on the roof! So my first reaction is panic... because i don't know i'm a mother... i drop my phone through the stairs and it breaks and i leave all my crap on the stairs and i'm swearing. I run into the house to see what window charlie went through. The little poops pushed through the screen in dana's room and just walked on out to the roof. So I'm opening her window and i'm calling out... "charlie... charlie...!" and i get out there and Charlie AND Carrie and just like hanging out there. Charlie little scared but okay... he was just like meowing and Carrie is just mis dare devil and she wants to stay out there.. naturally... haha anyway.. i freaked out... but they are okay.
Silly cats... i laugh now but yesterday i was in like mother mode or something.
oh yes then i went to donate blood yesterday with tyler and almost passed out twice... it was quite a fun day. they told me not to come into work so that was great.. even today i feel weak and faintish... whatever i helped save lives, not including my kitties...
i wonder if when the cats are older will remember that day they went on the roof and have a good chuckle

yeah i'm in a good mood today, went to the safe house last night with some friends and got to hang out with a really really great guy, wow. We got to drink a bit and stay up all hours talking. I just had a really great time and feel a little um... not gonna lie.. feelin' giddy. We'll see where it goes, no where too fast i'm sure but it definitly wouldn't be a rebound. it would be such a waste if it was.

ah shoot gotta go to work

my cats love me and i love them

After working 8 hours on 3rd shift last night, i slept most of the day away. I woke up at 1, it was amazing... you know that sleep that makes you feel good when you wake up because you know you had enough sleep and you don't have to be anywhere but wherever you want which is in your own bed..... yeah that sleep.
So i woke up all inspired to run today too... yeah weird.. but i went to the gym before i lost the inspiration. Ran 3 miles.. it was something. Anyway... i spent the rest of the day just watching great tv and the 2nd Harry Potter movie with danes.. it was relaxing... and now i'm about to go work on a book before bed. Wow i'm interesting..

the truth is... things that are going on in my life i really don't like to talk about online.. because ya put it in writing and it's permanent proof of your thoughts and feelings... and sometimes you look back on those thoughts and say "what was i thinking?" and now you got a whole mess of people reading it and knowing how stupid you were... it's really great entertainment i think for the ones reading it at least. And often it's a good way for your close friends to get caught up with you. whatever... i just am shy to spill all details of life and all.. going to bed now...
gnighter

i'm so sad right now it's ridiculous. why is that humans can never stay happy? we get to happiness sometime but some how it just gets messed up , we loose it or somethingg (my cat is typing and smelling the flower pens right in front of the screen so i can't see what's goig on... oh charlie!)some days like today i thought i wish i could have the love a cat has; without conditions without asking questions. I'm sure if we all could just sleep 12 hours a day and eat we would be able to love unconditionally. anyway i'm pretty messed up right now

i still love jon but what i offer him right now is and cannot be accepted. he might feel like crap because i didn't just pick him over having all my guys friends still.. but i feel like crap because i he would not budge or move or compromise and inch with me... a fricken inch. i still love him so much it's nuts. maybe i realize how much now that i don't have him but also makes me see that i'm not ready for that kind of a relationship and i don't know if i ever will. I have to figure it out for myself, not just what anyone encourages but i have to make some kind of choice and i'm so confused and frustrated and frickin lonely. kissing other boys doesn't make it easier to forget. it makes me feel like i'm cheating or something, though it's over whatever...

my fricken heart is a scrambled piece of shit that doesn't know how it should feel. i don't even know what i want more these days i just hate so much in my life its crazy.. my marathon training sucks, i've been drinking a lot lately to just relax but it doesn't do anything, another boy that adores me but there's no way i could ever be to him what he wants to be to me at least not today, my job is just a job that gets no thank yous' no personal satisfaction just a nice pay check...
at least the cats still love me, they keep jumpin on my lap. Carrie is purring on my leg right now. it's so cute. it's probably one of the most soothings sounds for me... hmm maybe our cats are ment to be therapy cats.. i dunno

they just make things simple. I envy their ability to be happy just being a cat.

right now i am listening to the slammering drunks outside. oow hoo hoo, i'm such a noisy neighbor. I wish i knew more people around this block so we can sit and gossip about one another... it could be like desperate housewives only desperate college ages girls that aren't going to college but need entertainment. i bet this winter is going to be a real depressing winter. i can feel it already being a depressing fall..

i almost need drama to keep me distracted from what's really going on

that sounds about right, sad but right

i am feeling depressed today. ah yes i'm being over dramatic right? yeah probably but i and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up and it really sucked.. and sucks. this whole time since it happened I've been trying to busy myself with whatever i can do to not think about it. i don't think i have relaxed since it all happened.
I went camping last week thinking it would be nice to have a vacation. It was nice, beautiful actually. But because there was nothing really to do, all i did was think... and churn over and over my thoughts and thinking maybe i did the wrong thing and i'm being selfish or he's just being selfish on and on... i hate it. I did, however, come to one conclusion: that i wasn't ready to commit to a serious relationship. i shouldn't feel i need to change who i am just so i don't step on someone's toes. Be who i am if i remember who that is. This sounds so stupid reading it back ... "i need to find myself"... gosh i'm retarded but it's true. I have had boyfriends pretty much melt right into another... and each has brought out different sides of me but... what do i bring out of me...
so in the mean time i'm trying to have fun with friends and making new ones and staying up late being ridiculous.. all that.. but i miss my best friend. It's so weird not talking to him anymore after talking to him everyday. it's really a horrible feeling, like some many know. so i've cried enough in this entry... i'm just lonely
i'm a dork

so i work at the amazing Sentry Foods in Waukesha. Yeah, I'm moving up in the world. Straight to the top of the latter, thank you very much. (just a side note..if you've never heard of Sentry foods.. which could very well be possible, i'm being sarcastic about my glorious career and all).

Anyway, there's some funny shit that happens there.. and if you can stop laughing at the fact that i just wrote "shit" maybe you'll like my stories too. Working there makes me want to swear. People are so stupid.. but we all know this. Let's begin! I'll try to add some literate spice to it.

It was around 7:40pm on this past Wednesday night, and soon my retarded 4 hour shift would be over. Now the lines are begining to form and we are short handed maybe one cashier at the moment. Oh the maddness. I see customers exagerate their head movements looking back and forth as to search for another possible lane. What will they do, and where could they go? I'm thinking,"You know there isn't another one open, so pick a freaking line."
So the lines are building and i am going through this large order for an older lady. She remains polite and smiley and we have small talk... all seemed fine until I WOULD NOT TAKE HER COUPON!!!!!! Appartenly she had bought Centrum Vitamins last time she was at the store but simply forgot to use the coupon. So she assumed she could use the coupon on her bill today, although she did not purchase these vitamins again. I informed the lady that if she would bring her original reciept and her coupon to the service booth, they would be able to refund her money there. But I assured her i could not possibly take it off her current purchase. I know, I'm a total bitch.
Then the lady started ranting off "this is outrageous, just crazy! How am I suppose to remember when to use my coupons and when not to? I can't believe how unfair it is.. i am telling you i bought those vitamins... i want my money back... how is a women my age suppose to remember all these things...?" I'm not kidding, these were her justifications. I again explained her only option of bringing in her reciept. Of course she was furious and wanted to talk to the manager. I told her "He will tell you the same thing, ma'am." Then she began to tell me that "I won't be shopping here anymore, this is just rediculous.."
Remember those lines of people waiting to check out...? yes they are all watching the show with mouths dropped. I know it's the not the craziest story but man this lady thought i was trying to rip her off or something. Of course I was not a snob to her. I don't even know how I contained myself. I was actually overly nice to her afterwords.. because then people just feel like a hudge ass after that. They see they were taking it as a personal offense. But really I could care less. I'm just trying to do my job well and do it right. As she was leaving, I said "HAVE A GREAT NIGHT, NOW MA'AM!" It was obnoxious hearing myself say it like a fake. But I wasn't going to be a brat
This lady, her coupon was maybe 75 cents or something. Big woop. Seeing that she can't remember when to use her coupons or whatever.. maybe she won't remember that she made a fool of herself that day.

it was great, the next customer joked with me and said "Trying to piss off the old ladies hey? "
so that was a massive story... maybe i'll have more idiots to reflect on

i must sound really bitter. Maybe today I am. Not always. whatever i need sleep.. the wine cooler knocks me out.. i'm such a wimp

i can't spellllllllll i'm too tired.. and ya

nights like tonight i could use a piano or something... i don't even have my guitar here. Why do i feel so sad tonight? Like I've had people cancel on me before..but i could just cry. who knows what my deal is. I wish I knew what this french girl was singing... it's so beautiful

sooooooooooo i'm ready to eat man! where's dana?
anyway we met our most likely third roommate. She's real nice. That's really all i know about her, she likes cats and goes to UWM and is in the National Guard. She seems like a" go-getter." I still don't know her at all but she seems nice.

i'm getting impaitent with the house. I want to be moving in already. But what can i do? I can't movie in with an unleveled floor. Soon enough, soon enough. whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i'm hunger man! time for veggie pizza at UNO's! whoo hooo

today i sang for kidz church and it was tiring. First we had a lion hunt and then choir practice then i sang for kidz worship.... it was even more tiring. You have to jump around while you sing and you're singing "LA LA LALALALA LA, LA LA LALALALA LA!" over and over again. Yeah I'm out of shape haha but oh weLL! It was pretty fun though... working up a sweat

after crazy morning with all the kidz at churchio, i went to some china restaurant for lunch with my dad and sista. the waiter was really wierd he didn't really talk, he kind of just threw our drinks on our table and was very skiddish... i don't about that place. All of the waiters were just sitting at a table eating. I guess they were bored but i thought it looked kind of unprofessional having them all out in the open right in the restaurant eating with us... ha. Put em in the back room or something, i don't know... at least the food was good. I had too many crab rague thingys.

then i went to the pet store with my sister and we made my dad come for a few minutes, hoping some puppy would break him down. It did for a second and then he said he had to leave before he cracked.... boo! The pug/jack russel puppy almost did! Aw i want a pet! I can't scratch a fishs head or rub his belly, well if i did that would probably be strange and i'd most likely kill it. gross ok

then we went to the human society... bad idea... i wanted to run out with all the cat and kittens... ahhhhhhhhh! i knew it was bad when i started giving all of them names..
so after watching "a mighty wind" i still think folk music is odd, but the movie was funny.

well pimp my ride is on now

while everyone is away getting smart at college, i'm getting stupid... well maybe i know about the grocery industry and more about resale ethics at menards... but that kind of sucks.

my manager yelled at me today for following the directions of the store manager and not telling her about it. even after the store manager told her he was sorry and it was his fault... i was to blame.. blah! it was wonderful.... it's really no big deal i just was in bad mood. i felt dumb like i shouldn't be working there.... i kept doing things wrong and i was so paranoid like all the front end managers were complaining about me and secretly hating me.

and it was nutso at the store. it was like everyone got this letter in the mail or something that said "Return all your menards items today, or else!" so everyone brought in millions of returns.. i was literally to my neck in returned stuff.... gosh if you've still read this far, you are um... bored? because i'm just complaining... i guess i could do that it's my freakin journal.. venting is part of it... ahhhhh the day did get better, let's talk about that

so finally i get out of that place and go see the house i'm going to live in! My sister came with me and dana to check the place out. It's gonna be amazing.. i love it already. It doesn't have the walls up yet but it's beautiful. We just need a third room mate which seems to be this difficult thing.

hopefully jessie will do it!!! ohhhhh i hope hope so bad!

im done being crabby and done talking

i feel like keono reeves in the matrix when that silver disease thing starts to coat his body and works it's way up and he's trying to fight it off but he really can't then it gets inside his mouth and bam! i don't remember what happened next but... it's working it's way on my throat now..

even with a bad thoat, i got $50 bucks for singing today at a wedding... pretty sweet, thanks God!

now i just need a cure for the common cold

so i'm done hearing about the election and everything. someone won, so we're stuck with another horrible four years, here come another four
either way... whoever would have been our president... about half the nation would have been upset...... no one is happy either way.... we're screwed..... i really didn't care......who cares if i care
next time we shouldn't tell anyone who we are voting for
that way no one has to hear about it from no one

horray! I've discovered the solution!

besides that election crap...
i'm still sick... help

i'm sick... where does this come from? maybe being outside all night on sunday and not wearing the proper jacket.... my neck feels like i have swallow some golf balls or something....... ahhh

everything i eat feels like it's about to bust through my stomach..
and i'm watching full house and it's not to funny today, all i see is mullets and all i hear is fake laughs

help

RANDOM QUESTIONS

What's on your bedside table?: a lamp with a stupid blue light bulb that looks like a cactic, books and lotion bottle.
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?: i don't have one.. how about full house?
If you could have plastic surgery?: can they shrink feet these days?
What is your biggest fear?: besides drowning? missing out.. regret
What feature are you most proud of?: my GB i guess
Do you have too many love interests?: haha no just enough
Crushes?: nope
Do you know anyone famous?: a girl that knew Matt LaBlanc's sister.. ?
Describe your bed: body pillow, quilt blanket flipped over, duck blanket.. green sheets.
Spontaneous or plan?: um both
Do you know how to play poker?: i only date the poker king.. i better know otherwise he wouldn't be able to talk to me.
What do you carry with you at all times?: my frickin phone
How do you drive?: most days aggressively, other days.. i must not be driving
What do you miss most about being little?:the misconception that everything is better than it actually is, that and vanilla waffers
Are you happy with your given name?: yesss - it means cow eyes
What color is your bedroom?: cloudy blue
What was the last song you were listening to?: Wes Moungamery- ?
Have you ever been in a play?: yes- "want some gum?"
Who is your best friend?: dana
Do you talk a lot?: in the last few days... yes
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?: sometimes
Do you think you're good looking?: ahh i have to throw my mirrors out
Do poor, homeless people sometimes annoy you?: no
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: yes,it's part of my job.
Do you spend more time with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your friends?: bf

cool survey

JUICY STUFF

Have you ever been intoxicated?: not completely but it wouldn't take much
Are you a tease?: maybe
Shy to make the first move?: depending on the circumstance

WORD ASSOCIATION

Rubber: boots
Green: grass
Wet: ones
Cry: baby
Peanut:butter
Hay: ya
Cold: play
Fast:food
Freaky: friday
Rain: drops
Religion: church

APPEARANCE

Hair: brown
Eyes: dark brown
Height: 5' 3

LAST THING YOU

Bought: fuel injection for my car
Ate & Drank: cream soda and kit kats
Read: a diamond article in the paper
Watched on tv: real world..blah

EITHER / OR

Club or houseparty: neither!!! camp fire!
Beer or cider: cider
Drinks or shots: drinks
Cats or dogs: cats
Single or taken: Taken
Pen or pencil: Pencil
Food or candy: ha see thats a hard one... but candy wins
Cassette or cd: cd, hello!
Coke or pepsi: Coke? i don't know, it's all colo to me

WHO DO YOU WANT TO

Kill: um ashlee simpson or howard stern
Look like: Jennifer Anistin, or maybe Ferdy
Be like: good question... probably jesus
Avoid: "barny" and "Phil Flargent"

LAST PERSON YOU

Talked to: Ann K
Hugged: Jessie Porter
Instant messaged: kelly campbell... huh

WHERE DO YOU

Eat: at home??
Cry: the car
Wish you were: in my victorian house

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated one of your best friends?: they were my best friend at the time
Drank alcohol?: yes
Done drugs? Advil
Broken the law?: Yes, the biker cops tracked me down!
Run away from home?: No
Broken a bone?: no, and that's a shock
Played Truth Or Dare?: yes...basketball sleep overs.. hhaaaa
Kissed someone you didn't know?: No!
Been in a fight? yeah i think me and my sister have fought a few times
Come close to dying?: probably but not that i realized it